I am sure that once you have been working toward a goal, you will start to see patterns and you will start to have revelations. And, you may feel that you are on the right path and for some of your goals. However, you might even wonder what the hell you were thinking for others. You might even question if the goal is even right for you and your life anymore. I don’t advocate abandoning goals lightly, but I do advocate fluidity of choice.
When it is obvious that the goals cannot be reached, don’t adjust the goals, adjust the action steps. -Confucius
One question I always ask is “Did you set the goal correctly in the first place?” Check out my post:
https://wealthese.com/2019/05/10/how-to-goal-setting-guide/
I wanted to share how I have done this many times in my life. And for a while, I was so angry at myself for what I felt was “giving up.” It took me a long time to learn to forgive myself. It took a long time for me to realize it as part of life and it was okay to change course.
It’s Okay To Change Course
If you are in this situation, realize that it’s not actually giving up, especially if you are still going for the same (or similar) end result. Look at it as you are merely making a change on how you are going to achieve it. Maybe you need to change the timeline or maybe you need to reduce your expectation from “expert level” to “knowledge of” but in either case, you will get there.
Sometimes you have a life change and you have to alter your goal. For example, you set a goal to run a marathon in a year’s time, but along the way, you got injured at work and now have to either slow down, set aside or abandon your training. Your goal is not be completely destroyed but your new goal could be to simply become healthy enough to begin training again.
Is The Goal Still Realistic?
In my case, one goal was put on hold because of an unforeseen challenge. For example, I wanted to learn how to do some fairly “simple” gymnastic moves. I always wanted to learn to do a back hand spring. Why? I guess I’ve always thought they looked like fun.
When I started researching, there were no real adult beginner gymnastic classes anywhere. I asked around as to why and the answer that I got is that most gymnasts start out when they are very young because the flexibility of their tendons and ligaments is so much greater at that age.
Also, the equipment used for gymnastics training is only child-sized. And for the last reason, children’s bones have not ossified completely. So, getting them into training while they are young will ensure that as they develop, their bodies will adapt to perform the movements.
I haven’t necessarily given up on this idea but it has definitely been put on hold just in case some new technology comes through (hey, anything can happen). It was a “bucket list” item to check off and wouldn’t have a huge impact on my life anyway so no big deal. But it might have been fun to learn…I think.
Is The Goal Too Far In The Future?
Sometimes, with a goal, you just lose steam. Because the time it takes to accomplish your goal is so far in the future or seems so tedious, you have a tough time keeping up the momentum. For most people the pursuit of goals is to feel the pleasure of accomplishment and avoid the pain of mediocrity.
In fact, our brains are wired to avoid pain. However, the “pain” of the difficulty in seeing the final result can derail some of the best of intentions.
What you may not realize is that you will encounter pain at almost every step and the ultimate pleasure comes only after achievement. But, you won’t ever encounter the glory if you abandon your goal before you get to the good stuff.
This is why I advocate shorter goals. Things you can accomplish every day to get you closer to your goal. Or even a small goal that can be achieved in week or a month that leads to a bigger goal.
As a caution, if you do your goal planning too far ahead, it may just be too overwhelming for your brain to take on.
Try Not To Use Pain As An Excuse To Quit
Pain can be mental and/or physical. In fact, mental pain is a by-product of forging neural pathways and since it includes the nervous system, it too can result in physical pain. With many goals, you are doing stuff that you have never encountered and learning it can be painful.
For example, if you are trying to learn a new language you may become extremely frustrated wrapping your tongue around a new pronunciation, spelling, learning new alphabet characters. Proper practice of these creates mental muscle memory through the neural pathways and the pain will lessen over time. Soon you will be speaking that language with ease. But it takes time and practice. It takes a while learn the basics of the language. And it takes more time to get good at it.
Mental pain can also come from something that doesn’t even include muscle memory or anything physical at all. In fact, I’ve watched a young boy struggle to learn a new math concept and literally cry from frustration. It’s the pain of learning.
Now that he is older and has been doing it for years, he doesn’t even remember having trouble learning it. And now it is easier for him to grasp more complex mathematics due to a toned muscle memory. Once he learned the concept, it became enjoyable to him. He is now learning cyber security.
Want to remember this? Post this Goal: When To Change Direction or Abandon Ship? post to your favorite Pinterest board!
Some Physical Pain Is Okay But Some Is Not
If you’re using a new muscle group or re-animating an underused one, the results will be painful for a while. Then, one day it won’t hurt anymore and then you can celebrate and then graduate to your next step.
Mentally, if you are learning a new sport, where you have to think about what you are doing as well as learning a new movement, there will be both physical and mental pain. When both become a learned behavior, the pain will be gone.
The exception is of course injury. If what you want to achieve may get you injured in the attempt, you should change course or at least rethink your goal.
Obviously, if the goal is to bungee jump, zipline, sky dive or swim with Great White sharks then, the possibility of getting injured is increases.
But, as in my earlier example of someone much older than the average gymnastics student trying to learn an intermediate level move, you’ll have to weigh the reward against the cost.
Celebrate!
In many cases, it is hard to see the final goal ever being achieved. That is why it is important to celebrate small accomplishments along the way. Maybe, have a shopping splurge or a dinner out when you’ve accomplished a small milestone.
I once saw a YouTuber standing with a glass of champagne while she watched her subscriber count flip over to one million subscribers. A simple glass of champagne, a small monitor and a whole lot of gratitude and she celebrated a milestone and brought her viewers with her.
Or you could level up and make it something that you wouldn’t normally do for yourself or something you were holding off treating yourself to so that it has special meaning.
Maybe, if on the way to your marathon goal you finally hit running five miles non-stop, treat yourself to a new pair of really good running shoes or hire a running coach.
F.E.A.R and P.A.I.N
Still unconvinced? Try this. Before you abandon a goal or change its course, ask yourself whether the pain is something that you can get past. Is the pain temporary? Could it be fear that is holding you back? I once heard a speaker talking about fear and pain as acronyms.
F.E.A.R.= False Evidence Appearing Real
P.A.I.N.= Pay Attention Inward Now or Putting Asses In Neutral
Interesting right? Who would have thought accomplishing something that would make you proud or successful would instill more fear than not accomplishing it? Here is where visualization would really help.
Think about both scenarios. What would it look like if you accomplished your goal? And if you didn’t?
Scientist have found that the body’s response to feelings of fear and anxiety are IDENTICAL to that of excitement. Now, every time you feel fear, pretend it is really the excitement of when you accomplish your goal.
Truly Inspiring
If you need inspiration to get past your pain and fear, Google “David Goggins” and read his story. Watch some of his videos on YouTube.
He has a wonderful interview with Tom Bilyeu from Impact Theory. Seriously, it’s really good and I try to listen to it once a week or whenever I am feeling discouraged. I don’t agree with the “taking souls” part of it, but I like how he has mastered digging deep into himself to get past even severe physical pain.
Now, when is it okay to abandon a goal? In my opinion, it should happen once you have taken action on a goal and realized that it does not align with your values or vision of your ideal life (or even your life right now).
Also, if it is contrary to your other goals or potentially harmful to you or others, then it should be under examination for re-evaluation or dismissal.
When it’s Time To Abandon Ship: A Real Example
I have a friend whose mother insisted that she be one of two things: a doctor or a lawyer. Carrie told me that since she hated the sight of blood, she “chose” to become an attorney. She graduated at the top of her undergraduate class and went to a top law school.
Determined to be a top attorney working in the political arena, she got a job her first year in law school, finally graduated and easily passed the bar. One problem: SHE HATED BEING A LAWYER!
Carrie had had no idea what she was getting into until the end of her first year and after the summer she spent at the top law firm. She felt locked in because she had worked so hard, and spent so much money, to get her law degree.
After working full time for a while, and after an agonizing decision, she decided to quit law. She changed her life to do what she really wanted to do…be a wife and mother. In fact, she just adopted baby number eight a year ago.
She was fortunate that she had a husband that made enough money to make it possible for her to do it, but even if she hadn’t she could have worked for a while to pay down the loans and then pursued her goal.
The take away is that she abandoned her original goal in pursuit of the goal that made her happiest despite what she had been “groomed” to do.
In a nutshell, there are times that goals don’t make sense anymore. Even if they did at one time, they can evolve to no longer fit our life. Waking up to this is sad, but you have to be grateful that at least you woke up.
When setting a goal, you really have to be realistic and honest with yourself. Ask yourself:
1) Does the goal still serve you?
2) Is the goal within your values?
3) Is your goal potentially harmful to yourself or others?
4) Are you trying to impress people with your goals? Why is impressing people important?
5) Do you need to value yourself more?
6) Are you abandoning the goal because you don’t feel that it fits your life or are you more afraid of the success it will bring?
7) Why are you afraid of success?
Answering these questions will give you a lot of insight into why you are pursuing your goal. Furthermore, they will help you to determine how to proceed.
Sometimes, life happens. Actually, it ALWAYS happens. And, that means that our path is not always clear. Despite your best intentions, you may realize that what you thought you wanted, you may not actually want. Turn inward, ask the tough questions and use this insight to determine whether the goals are worth pursuing, modifying or dumping all together.
Have you ever abandoned a goal and felt it was the right thing to do or do you regret it? Tell me about it. Do you have any advice for other readers? Leave your thoughts in the comments section below.
Want to remember this? Post this Goal: When To Change Direction or Abandon Ship? post to your favorite Pinterest board!
